From Parenting to Coaching an Adult Child with Disabilities

"Love is the only way to grasp another human being . . . to see . . . potential in him which is not yet actualized but ought to be actualized . . . By his love, the loving person enables the beloved person to actualize these potentialities." Viktor Frankl

I don’t remember where I first got the idea, but when my son finished his special education high school program at age 21, someone suggested that I needed to start coaching him more than parenting him. After 21 years as primary caregiver for a child with profound medical, physical, and developmental disabilities, I was used to doing everything for him, including making decisions and advocating for him, and he was used to having everything done for him. He was compliant and had learned helplessness because we and others had viewed him as unable to do things for himself. Even the court had agreed when he turned 18 that my husband and I should be appointed as co-guardians of his person and property.

I sat him down and told him I had something important to discuss with him. My intensity got his full attention. I told him that now that he was an adult, it meant that he would be making decisions about what he wanted to do (or not do) and when he wanted to do it. I told him that it wasn’t my job anymore to decide because he was a grownup now. And that he was going to have to think about what he wanted and communicate about it. I could see his energy and demeanor shift as he processed this. It looked like a lightbulb was turned on inside him. I could sense his excitement. I felt a buzz myself as our relationship shifted into a new realm.

He began to assert himself for the first time, sometimes refusing to go to bed or be bathed. We didn’t insist, but we negotiated, giving him a sense of autonomy and letting him feel powerful. It has been inspiring to watch him grow into adulthood. 

The transition from parenting to coaching an adult child with disabilities is challenging. It requires us to navigate between providing support and fostering autonomy, between advocacy and empowerment. But the road ahead is filled with opportunities for growth, resilience, and profound connection.

So, how do we make this transition gracefully and effectively? How do we empower our adult children with disabilities to live fulfilling and as-independent-as-possible lives while continuing to offer the love and support they need? 

What would it be like for you to coach instead of parenting? Here are some strategies you might consider:

Shift from control to collaboration: We involve them in the decision-making process, empowering them to voice their preferences, goals, and aspirations. This collaborative approach fosters a sense of agency and ownership over their own lives.

Focus on strengths and abilities: We recognize and celebrate their strengths and abilities. Instead of dwelling on limitations, we focus on their talents, passions, and potential. We encourage them to explore their interests and pursue their dreams with confidence.

Encourage independence: We encourage them to take on responsibilities, make their own choices, and learn from their experiences. We trust in their capabilities and offer support and guidance as needed but allow them the space to grow and learn on their own terms.

Provide access to resources and support: We ensure they have access to the resources and support they need to thrive. We help them find housing, employment, healthcare, or community services. 

Cultivate open communication: We create a safe and supportive environment where open dialogue is encouraged, and feelings, concerns, and aspirations can be freely shared. We listen attentively to their needs and perspectives and validate their experiences with empathy and understanding.

Practice self-care: We prioritize our own self-care. We take time for ourselves, seek support from friends and family, and engage in activities that bring us joy and fulfillment. 

What are some possibilities that could open for you, as you consider shifting from a parenting to a coaching role? Perhaps consider getting coached yourself. A coach can support you as you grow into your new role. Coaching can provide you with clarity, motivation, energy, and a sense of accomplishment.